Reality TV…whether you love it or hate it, it’s here to stay.

Despite the tendency for critics to consolidate all shows that technically fall within the boundaries that define this genre into one all-encompassing group, you have to admit there are clearly some good ones and some atrocious ones. Try to deny it, but I know you do enjoy watching other people make asses of themselves because it gives you a secret thrill of superiority. Drivel like The Simple Life however, are so beyond the realm of stupidity that they fall into an undefinable black hole that defies explanation.

On the other hand, you’ve got shows like VH1′s America’s Most Smartest Model (don’t visit this site if you don’t want spoilers). The mockery in the title itself hints of a potentially higher (though only ever so slightly) plane of humour not offered in your average brain drainer. When Morten and I saw it listed on the TV guide channel, we had to check it out and though embarrassed to admit it, we had a grand ol’ hour and a half watching sixteen models trying to prove that the synapses in their pretty brains were not fried.

After two minutes, we already had a favourite: Andre the Russian psycho model. Unlike the token bitch that is always cast in your typical reality show, male equivalents are always more generally appealing. With a woman, you may feel the urge to slap her silly, but with a man, you just wanna laugh and cheer him on. Without Andre, all you’d have are a couple of pretty faces, a “bag of bones with a set of implants and an ugly blonde wig,” “a couple of midgets,” “Pinocchio,” the lazy-ass Argentinian with a French name (and also the only one in the lot that requires subtitles), some forgetables, and of course, Mandy Lynn, the silicone-lipped, top-heavy, porn star lingerie model who is forever on the verge of elimination but is obviously reprieved (at least in the beginning) for the obvious ratings.

I know the season’s already over in the States and the show well into its run in the U.K., but for us Canadians, it comes a little late (Thursdays at 8PT on Citytv). In its premiere episode, two models are “Purged” from the get go. All they had to do was walk down a runway and state their modelling, as well as their academic credentials. This was when we got our first surprise. Apparently, the majority of them have a completed post-secondary education, with one even working towards a PhD in Psychology. Andre speaks five languages and isn’t too modest to list all his other attributes as well. He is a “God” after all.

Those who survived the immediate cut settled into their accommodations, where they were surprised with locked bathroom doors and a fridge that could only be opened by entering the numerical answers to the questions posted on the door. Some examples:

The year Christopher Columbus discovered America
The year the United States declared independence
The year America celebrated its bicentennial x100

The first official challenge was a spelling bee, where Andre and Gaston were the first to be cut in the second round with the failure to spell “retardant” and “nincompoop” respectively. Even when given designer names to spell (something which as models they should be very familiar with), there were foul-ups like “Tommy HilfiNger.” In all fairness though, there were some toughies as well, like psoriasis, variegated, Bacchanalian, and Dionysian.

Daniel, the model with the lack of style won, giving him the “Edge,” or a clue to the second part of the challenge (or “Callback”): Being able to do the catwalk while simultaneously listing as many items as possible in a category designated by the hosts, Ben Stein and Mary Alice Stephenson (examples: things that are soft; names of rivers; names of islands; types of drugs; types of trees – where I learned that there is, in fact, such a thing as an “Umbrella Tree”; world leaders; and elements on the periodic table). Knowing in advance that he would have to list as many species of dinosaurs as he could, Daniel survived to see episode two. At the very end, two additional models were eliminated, one of which was the strange and very lethargic Gaston who sited amongst other things, a “dirty penis” in his category of “smelly items.”

And with that, we leave you with some memorable words from the ever entertaining, undeniably offensive, always intense Andre the Russian psycho model, without whom we’d unlikely return for a second dose of America’s Most Smartest Model:

“We are a standard of lifestyle! People DIE to be US bro!”

“Fifteen Americans against one Soviet” *Pffft!!*

“The greatest empires are built from war, not peace!”