You know that feeling you get when you turn on the TV and think you have been teleported into an alternate reality? That’s exactly what happened to me this week as one bizarre story after another flashed across the screen. More than anything, what I saw was blatant exhibits of human stupidity so damaging that one could start questioning the viability of the human race. Here are some of the highlights:

“Give me back my shit!”

What could be scarier than a rabid OJ Simpson storming into your hotel room waving guns? Well, a lot of things actually but still. Last Friday, the man famous for proving that money can really buy you freedom, decided it was time to get back into court. Rather than hiring a lawyer though, he rounded up a group of guys and went on a raid of a sports collector’s hotel room to “get back his stuff” as he so eloquently put it. Not surprisingly, he was arrested the very next day and charged with a whole slew of felonies, from assault with a deadly weapon to breaking and entering. And what was he so adamant about getting back? Amongst other things, some footballs signed by himself. Because going out, buying footballs and signing them is just too much work. Smart move OJ. Really makes you look like the good guy.

Kanye West vs. 50 Cent (or David vs. RainMan)

Last month, all around good guy 50 Cent made a series of modest statements regarding the sales battle between Kanye West and himself (by “modest” I mean things like his statement to the Associated Press that the parallel release of his own new album Curtis and West’s album Graduation was “great marketing on Def Jam’s part, by putting us out there at the same time and make like we can actually be compared on some level”). This was followed up with a proclamation that if West’s album outsold his own in the first week he would retire. With Graduation outselling Curtis by 957,000 to 691,000 copies in the first week, we are all looking forward to 50 moving out of the Billboard Charts and in with the Golden Girls.

Shock Factor Part I: “Don’t tase me, bro!”

Those were the last words out of 21-year-old Gainesville, Florida university student Andrew Meyer’s mouth before police tasered him on the floor during a forum with Senator John Kerry on Monday. Apparently, Meyer is known for filming his practical jokes and gave his camera to a fellow student before asking the Senator a series of strange questions. The video of the student writhing on the floor and pleading to the police before being shocked into submission quickly spread on the web, causing a major uproar. Meyer’s crime? When he started asking questions about a possible impeachment of George W. Bush and whether the President and Kerry were ever members of the secret Skull and Bones society at Yale University, his microphone was turned off. Rather than sitting down, he started shouting and as we all know, the proper response to an angry student is a massive electric shock. Watch the video here.

By the way, you can buy “Don’t tase me, bro” t-shirts here.

Shock Factor Part II: Lucky number 7

In the wake of the Student vs. Taser incident on Monday, another electrifying tale hit the airwaves: On September 2nd, Ohio police officer Rich Kovach tasered 38-year-old Heidi Gill, drunk as a skunk and having too much of a good time, a total of 7 times – two while she was wearing handcuffs. The officer’s dash cam shows Gill smashing the side window of the police cruiser while in the back seat and acting like…well…a drunk. The video also shows her handcuffed and on her knees outside the car being tasered repeatedly until she smashes her head against the cruiser and then the pavement. At the end of the night, she found herself in a hospital bed and officer Kovach was suspended pending an investigation into the incident. The moral of the story? Too much juice might get you juiced. Repeatedly. You can watch the whole mess here.

America’s Next Social Pornographer

Wednesday saw the premiere of the 9th menstrual cycle of America’s Next Top Model. There’s not too much to say about this show. All the classic elements were in play: Tyra acting like a loon trying desperately to get attention even though it’s her own show, a girl gets sick, several others have severe emotional problems and horrible backgrounds, there’s an exotic dancer and a devout Christian there and so on. But this year there is a twist: One of the girls has Asberger syndrome (or Autism). That’s great. Put a young woman, socially inept due to a serious affliction, in a house with power hungry emotionally unstable self-righteous chicks who will do absolutely anything to claw their way to the top of Mount Model (found right next to Mount Anorexia, Mount Bulimia and Mount Broken Dreams).

“It’s too much like worship to me”

Survivor: China kicked off this Thursday with what has become a tradition in the show: The semi-religious “blessing” of the contestants by the local inhabitants. This time, the 26 castaways were led to a Buddhist temple where they were to receive a blessing from the monks. To quell any misgivings about religious conflicts, host Jeff Proust even went as far as stating this was not a religious ceremony but a welcoming to the country. This clearly didn’t register with the Christian radio host Leslie who after a few minutes left the temple in tears saying the ceremony was too much like “worship” and that she would never bow down to any other God. This was followed by her explaining that she is “not very religious” but has a firm belief in Jesus as her Saviour, proving not only that her knowledge of other beliefs is abysmal (Buddhism after all is not a religion) and that she doesn’t know the meaning of the word “religious.” I applaud CBS for so openly showcasing such blatant ignorance.

IT student aims for Darwin Award

When MIT student Star Simpson walked into Boston airport wearing a fake bomb on her chest as part of an art project, she nearly became this year’s strongest contestant for the Darwin Award. UnFortunately the security guards decided that shooting a woman wearing a bomb inside an airport might not be the best idea so they arrested her instead, foiling her chances at the award. Simpson will likely have years to perfect her next Darwin entry as she serves time for causing CNN to interrupt their regular programming. Check out the bomb art piece here.