I must begin this post with an apology to my brother for the following story. Sorry Mat, it just had to be told.

A bunch of years ago, my brother thought it would be a good idea to get rid of all the hair on his back. The best way to do this he thought? A cream depilatory. This story invariably ends with the horrible smell of chemicals mixed with burning hair, a patchy looking pattern of back hair, and a week of my brother not feeling confident enough to take his shirt off and go swimming. Tragic. So when it comes to hair removal techniques, I go pretty standard with a razor. In an attempt to convert the simpletons like myself, Veet has come out with an entire line of hair removal products. The line, consisting of both painful and painless methods, has a solution to every kind of hair removal procedure you can imagine. Female mustaches be gone! Let’s see what we can find out.

So, unfortunately for Dabbler and your reading pleasure, but incredibly fortunate for me, I didn’t have a reason to try out the mustache wax. What I did get to try is the Salon Line Ready to Use Wax Strips, the Stripless Warm Wax, and the Hair Removal Gel Cream. I put my underarms and my legs to the test and tried everything. Forget blood, sweat and tears, I put my relationship on the line by giving my leg and underarm hair a solid week to grow so I could really test this stuff out. Ideal length for removal is two to five millimetres; or in more common terms, somewhere past careless stubble, just before sasquatch. Your product of choice will run you from about $7 to $17 and will eliminate hair from your face, underarms, bikini or legs.

First up to bat is the Stripless Wax. Basically, you smooth the wax on using the applicator, wait for it to dry, and then peel it away like you would the traditional strip. After heating the wax in the microwave, I “smoothed” it on to my underarm in the direction of the hair, stood there like an idiot with my arm over my head while it dried, then swiftly pulled the strip off against the grain of the hair. After the tears cleared from my eyes, I took a look at the strip, and saw approximately three hairs on it. Second try lent itself to a slightly better result, but was accompanied by even more tears so I let that one go.

Next up, Ready to Use Wax Strips. My other underarm had the joy of trying these puppies out, as well as the benefit of my having used this type of wax strip before. I rubbed the strip between my hand for a few seconds to heat it up, and placed it in position. After making sure it was securely affixed, I grit my teeth a ripped away. I made much better progress with the strips than without, but it still resulted in tears.

Moving a little lower to my legs, it was time for the Hair Removal Gel Cream. These products are notorious for smelling incredibly bad so I wasn’t entirely excited about this. With warnings all over the instructions screaming not to leave this stuff on for longer than six minutes and to wash my hands thoroughly after application, it didn’t do much to quell my nerves. Sitting on the edge of the tub, after a minute long hand washing session, I waited for the tingle and scent of burning hair to begin. Ah yes, there is was. And the results? Mediocre at best. Bonus feature…you lose all the hair in your nose too!

So, the verdict is in. The Stripless Wax is recommended by Veet for advanced level waxers, something I obviously am not. No success there. The Ready to Use Wax Strips are easier to use and worked pretty well – thumbs up for beginners if you’re willing to suffer through the pain involved. I’m told you get used to it?! The Hair Removal Gel Cream, I came in with a bad attitude, and left with the same one. Somehow burning hair off my skin with creamy moisturizing chemicals just doesn’t do it for me. On top of which, it just didn’t work very well. The cherry on top is that I had to walk around looking like a hippie for a week to get my hair the right length to do anything with it.

For this hairless wonder, gimme a disposable razor, some shaving cream if it’s handy, and I’ll be smooth, chemical free, and still in a loving, caring relationship when it’s all said and done.